Irresponsibly you fall in love for experimenting the idea of love, to live it, to see how it feels.
Slowly, you get entrapped into it.
Into the magical wand.
But, only time slipping through fingers like sands leaving its trace past the currents can say if it will survive the storm.
Irresponsibly you fall into love, leak into it without knowing the outcome.
We don’t predict future- a future that was meant to be, yet never forthcoming.
A future that can’t be in our hold and that we can’t fold in our desired mold always keeps fleeting.
Untouchable.
Undeniable.
Unrecognizable.
Undefeatable.
We were never meant to last, not at least the fiction writers would portray-
No clear conscience,
No clear boundaries,
No morals,
No dignity.
Just two people weaving entire present and future only for it to become a bad memory.
I gave you hours that could have built empires,
You gave me games that still felt like understanding.
We both knew- it is going to be a huge loss,
An irreversible losing investment.
They all said we were criminals.
We were killing each other slowly,
Strangulating each other’s throat.
Then, smothering each other with passionate love.
Poisoning each other’s mind with sharp words.
They all witnessed us commiting to crime against each other.
And, perhaps, sometimes we agreed with them.
We hated each other.
Hated how it felt both a cure and wound.
A love that cuts but also bandaids.
A love that is poisonous but still tastes sweet.
A love that must be an antidote.
Yet, somehow, we survived each other’s chaos.
We survived the hatred. The love. All that we had and closed the doors.
There were days I wanted to leave you like my unfinished artwork- close the doc, walk away, and never reopen the file.
But, love?!
It auto-saves. It lingers in the corner. It reminds us to reopen the closed chapter at 2 am midnight without permission.
An invader intruding in our minds through intrusive thoughts.
Still, a picture of your smiling face keeps me awake at night thinking the crime I did loving you, all in vain!
You are not mine. I am not yours.
You are not someone else’s. I am not too.
We forgot to connect. We forgot how to belong.
To someone else.
Oh, how beautifully yet tragically we wasted ourselves!!!
And, when we became complete strangers,
Then, we rewrote histories as if nothing happened.
We erase the pictures, we delete the poems,
We erase the names, we throw things reminding of each other.
But, do we actually forget eachother?!
You live in my memory.
In my subconscious.
In my trauma.
In my realizations.
Still,your eyes betray everything.
There is something fascinating about your eyes that makes me relive what we had together!
The version of ours were buried in ourselves without a funeral.
Quietly.
Deliberately.
Soberly.
Corpses of our memories?!
The emotional burials?!
Calculated and sorted out.
We have trained us to unlove each other,
And, become strangers from lovers.
We have trained ourselves not to remember who we were before the fatal connection,
We are trying hard to forget who we have become after the abrupt disruption.
From lovers to strangers the epic journey began!
Stranger to ourselves; but more aware.
Consciously, we chose not to fall in love again,
Not this hard.
Not this blind.
Not this unconditional.
Not this unconventional……..!!!
But, can calculated love feel fated?!
Or, Can love be actually calculated?!
Beyond everything that churns the rusts in our thoughts,
That’s love that can pierce us through our rigid mindsets.
That invokes change in us,
That let’s us to trust again,
To feel light like feathers,
To be healed and understood,
To be seen and heard.
To be felt.
Unconditionally.
Irrevocably.
Incomprehensibly.
Undeniably.
Love must feel fatal.
If not once then twice.
Love should be a cause of revival.
If not twice, then thrice,
Yet, a destined love should appear as full and final.
©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy
Timestamp: 3.33 am, Tagar