We were only children
when my heart first learned
the quiet ache of worship…
Your name, a small sun,
orbiting every corner of me.
You laughed,
and seasons changed.
I loved,
But, destinies didn’t.
Maybe, you too loved….
But, your love was purer than mine…
A fine wine…!
I carried that tenderness
like a secret bruise under my skin…
Untouched,
Unspoken,
but always blooming,
Whenever your shadow in my mind passes.
You belonged to other worlds….
Extraterrestrial..
Brighter,
Easier,
Full of flowers that opened at your touch…
And I…
I stood behind windows,
Watching the light fall on you
but never on us.
Do you remember our small corner?!
Even now,
Grown, scarred, bitter….
Half-healed from everything
life has thrown and demanded of me….
Your memory returns like a shy ghost,
Lingers in my soul,
Sits beside my ribs,
and whispers a question that
time never answered:
What if you had looked back?
What if you tried harder?!
And, what if I were patient?!
But, you didn’t.
Or, maybe you couldn’t.
And, perhaps, fate didn’t intend!
And, I learned that some loves
are destined only to echo…..
Never to arrive.
Oh, my unrequited love….
You come out as a deep sigh,
In the form of an ache from within my heart!
Still,
In the quiet hours,
When the world forgets to breathe,
I feel that child inside me
holding one last wilted flower,
Still offering it to you….
Not for acceptance,
Not for return,
But, because love like that
never truly dies….
It simply finds a softer voice
to break in through every songs,
every lyrics and every story
that reminds me of you
and the version of you I knew back then!
I don’t know if time has changed you or not,
I don’t know if you are still that innocent and cute or nah….
You were my first truth….
A childhood candle, too brittle that melted away in little tempers….
Just a stormy wind.. And everything fell off….
Yours and mine small hut
scattered where we used to hide and play!
I kept you hidden beneath my ribs,
Burning me gently
While you walked away
Unlit,
Untouched,
Unaware.
While I left you for better,
After that I never saw your face!
That, tanned face with curly hair!
I loved you before I knew
what love could ruin.
Before I understood
that some souls arrive
only to teach you
how to survive a hole..
An essence of absence!
You were the boy with sunlight hands,
Running through every corridor of my fate,
while I…..
A small, trembling constellation
shaking in the cosmic whirlpool
of the universe that tried to shatter me into pieces,
But, I was waiting for your eyes
to turn toward my orbit
just once.
They never did.
And something inside me
fractured so quietly
that even time couldn’t heal!
Years passed,
but the wound stayed young…
A child kneeling in the dark
still holding a flower
that has long died,
Still whispering your name
like a prayer denied by heaven.
You loved others.
You chose others.
You lived in worlds
where I was only a ghost drifting at the edge….
Close enough to feel your warmth,
never close enough
to be warmed or accepted…
Why?!
Because, I chose shadowy dusk
instead of the sunny dawn!
God, the tragedy….
That destiny placed you
two inches from my heart,
But galaxies away from my life.
Some nights,
When the sky is cruelly honest,
I swear I can smell you
in the wind….
The version of you that could have been mine
in some better universe
where I wasn’t invisible,
where you weren’t impossible.
But in this universe….
The one stitched with iron and sorrow….
I remain the girl
who learned love
through losing you,
Bleeding you,
Scaring you,
Burying you…..
Yet never forgetting you.
And the darkest truth?
You were never mine to lose.
But I lost you anyway….
You were mine for a while
And now you are someone else’s….
I lost you anyway…..
The pain of regrets?!
Will never go away!
You are not mine to hold anymore!
Oh, regrets, I replaced gold with silver!
And, now I keep hoarding silver rings…
So many voices around making so much noises..
So many people wandering around like a bee hive,
But where is my nearly dear person whom I should adore?
Where are you?
In whose lap did you become a lamb?
If not you then let God send me a version of you or better than you,
Who can help me forget you!
Release you!
©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy
Time Frame: 7.08 pm, Tagar, MIST, Mirpur Cantonment.