I am my own judge, I am examining my standards, my limits, my bounds, my strength, my dreams, my surroundings, my patience. 

With every interactions, with each occurrence, 

With every incidents and daily events, 

I click the check boxes what trigger me and what not, and how I react. 

Which circumstances denote my strength, which shows weakness,

I am my biggest judge, I judge my own show, 

I see myself performing,

How well I perform, 

I clap and punish me for my performance. 

What an eminence radiates through your determination. 

Sometimes, I check how willful I am.

They tell me I am stubbornly determined, 

Adamant on purpose!

So, I examine my stubbornness. 

My rigidity that I have built after patience,

After so many upheavals. 

At times, the heart felt heavy,

The lungs so heavy as if failed,

I couldn’t breath,

I used to hold my tears,

Still, I struggle controlling my triggers and fears, 

They tend to fall out from my eyes as if pearls of emotions. 

Tear drops tend to fall out from my carefully crafted stoic face in the faceless situations. 

Phase after phase, I examine all my faces.

What I hold, what I don’t, 

What I have, what I have not,

What I can have, What I might not. 

I am curating my own shadow that I leave behind. 

I create my own reality, the duality I live on, 

But, I try.

The strength that consumes I deny, 

The confession that I made I therefore obliged by. 

Patterns dictates every single thing. Nothing is out of order, so are you! 

Dear, Penelope! Today you wore pink,

Pink suits you. 

So, the cheerfulness you show after all the surgeries of soul you go through! 

You fight and defend yourself under the tight scrutiny of self,

The judge and the accused resides in you. 

So,you dually play the defender and offender role.

You check if you offend your standards.

Sometimes a cage you build within your own mind, the prison you are accustomed to living.

You put yourself to trials, self-reflections through restrains and orders.

You go through the painful surgery,

You dissect your each thoughts, memories and actions, 

Then, you circumcise your petition for growth and the desire for connection. 

You are fearful.

Fearful because you know how kind and naive still you are.

You are aware and beware of the world that is too rough and too inhumane to misuse your kindness. 

So, you stay restrained yet humble.

Aloof but amicable, 

Adored but from a distance.

Distance and silence is the new language you speak from. 

Is this liberation from wants and dispositions?!

Or, a self- imposed jail?!

Are you living a sentence behind the bars back in your mind, trapped in your experiences?! 

Trapped in your very own existence?!

That blocks you from receiving new ones?!

Is this the normalcy of abnormality and absurdity?!

Is this stupidity or simply making of boundary?!

What felt most humane now scares you. 

What felt light now dims you. 

What felt releasing now binds you. 

What felt liberating now obscures you. 

You don’t want to deviate.

You don’t want to derive or derail from the path that you’ve chosen.

You have too much to lose and too little to hold on. 

A forever form of dilemma you are into! 

A pattern that you have memorized is not leaving you. 

That lives inhibited, uninterrupted within you.

Your mind knows. 

So, does your soul. 

The alchemy of mind and soul detaches you,

That, doesn’t suit your calling.

The alchemy of body and heart detaches you from fake intentions and pretense,

That, doesn’t cure you. 

And, what exactly happens after the harsh judgment of self?!

You begin to gain clarity over confusion and delusion.

You begin to realize what excites you and what actually aligns with you,

The chores that follows your soul’s echoes would chant and remind you of the doing and undoing,

The intensity feels familiar, it shows you what you are engaging with and why, how you respond to.

As you face both desire and the truth within it,

You contemplate which template suits you.

This form of clarity allows you to reflect not just what you feel and think, but what you are really capable of holding close to your soul.

Some chapters in the life series constantly remains as judgement show. 

©® Farheen Akter Bhuian

Timestamp: 10 pm, Tagar